Secret Aged Man

Ryan Jay Ritchie, honorable half of the rock duo Spiro, celebrated his birthday on the 2nd of October, 2005. Though the math isn't hard, the life it alludes to has been, for Mr. Ritchie has had to overcome many struggles, most of which won't be mentioned and all that are will be completely made up.

It started young, having to steal from local grociers just to get enough food to eat. By the time he was 7 years old he had already 3 lifetime sentences on his rap sheet, luckily he knew how to convince the parole board of his rehabilitation enough to go back out on the streets. He considers himself lucky to have been released before the dreaded Californian "3 Strikes" Law had gone into effect or he wouldn't have been able to turn his life around as much as he has.

It was in the joint when he met and befriended his current musical partner, Dan Bethel. Bethel says of the relationship:

"Yeah, Ritchie and I go back a ways. Back to when we were both deemed unfit for public service. Yeah. But we're not necessarily close because we are friends or whatever. Let's just say he's got to take care of me because I saw some of the skeletons in his closet, and he's going to have to be very generous with his financial and creative successes if he wants them kept shut away."

Ritchie legally emancipated himself from his parents at the age of 13, an unlucky number that still make his ex-parents shudder. He had just made a fortune revolutionizing the floor gymnastics routine industry, and was living large until he looked at the books. Even at a tender young age Ritchie knew he was getting swindled by the two people he was supposed to love. It was at this time that he really came into his own, officially doing so by adding the t to his last name.

"Ritchie with a t was something that hadn't really been done before. I think, actually, that I am the only living Ritchie with a t, which makes me numero uno in my book."

-from an interview with Melissa Denton, reporter.

Unfortunately, his legal fees bankrupted him and he found himself living the clean and sober life he always wanted--on the streets. He blocks the tumultuous 3 years from his mind, instead referring to it as the Golden Age so that people won't delve into it. By the time he pulled himself from ruin he was halfway through his High School career. It was a time of great fondness and success for the young social orphan.

"High School was great because I was at my prime, you know? I can confidently say that since then I have never been more financially successful. Why? Oh, we don't have to talk about why, do we?"

-from a candid interview in 2002.

It was during this time that he met good friends Shane Guess, Peter Fedewa, and Spiro Atieh, all of whom are still very active in Spiro's career.

Ritchie cleaned up his act after High School and got a real job bussing tables at the local eatery/brothel, Pork and Beans. He remembers the time bitterly as a means to end, but attributes his drive and creative freedom to his short tenure there.

Then, in 1999, Ritchie received the phone call that would change his life:

"Mr. Ritchie?"
"Yes?"
"This is Benito Escobido from the IRS. Right, we've been looking at your tax returns and found some discrepancies that seem to warrant an audit. Please have your reciepts ready. We'll be there on Tuesday."
click

Ryan was on the streets again with no where to turn. One day, not too long after, Ritchie awoke in front of the First National Community Bank of San Luis Obispo, still drunk and still alive, when a well dressed man, complete in vest and pocket watch with a gold chain, stepped out of the bank holding an overwhelming roll of 100 dollar bills in his hand. It was Dan Bethel, who nearly missed noticing his friend as he slowly counted through each hundred bill by bill.

"Ryan?"
"I'll do a push-up for a dollar--"
"It is you! Ryan, what's happened? We all thought you were dead!"
"I'm just down on my luck, I guess. A temporary set-back. A hiccup."
"Well...I've been playing guitar for a little while now and have wanted to put a group together. Do you think you can still play?"
"I play guitar?"
"Yeah. You played for a few years in the High School Jazz Band."
"Jazz Band? Oh, yeah, the big spenders. Yeah, I still got it."
"Excellent. Now, let's get into my stretched Plymouth Voyager before anybody sees me talking to you."

And the rest is history. Ryan shaved off his knee-length beard and re-calloused his fingertips. In no time he was writing songs at an alarming rate.

Pretty soon he was dating a beautiful girl who eventually became his wife in 2004, one Katie Hoffman. Together, they have overcome what Ryan considered his last hurdle in life--chronic defenestration--and have become a single unit, stronger than anything that could even try to take them apart. Dan speaks fondly of the turns Ryan has taken in life:

"Ryan's always kind of been there, a friend till the end. And as the years have passed, I've only seen him become a more admirable man. I've always respected him, and as every day passes that respect grows. I'm glad to see him happy, and I'm glad he's still my friend. He's the brother I never had, but the friend I always had. He's turned out okay. I only hope I turn out half as well."

In retrospect, many of Ryan's friends turned out with wonderful things to say for the man--the legend:

"Ryan is like that friend who is just sane enough to pass for a normal guy... kind of like Ted Bundy or Shane Guess."

-Pete Fedewa

"Well, if you ask me, Ryan is a robber baron with a genuine baboonish demeanor. But, then again, I owe a lot to the sucka. He introduced me to the music of the Beatles, after all, and taught me the only things worth living for were fortune and glory."

-Shane Guess

"Ryan and I's first meeting was quaint and trite. He polished horseshoes while I put the hay in the bail. As time turned, Ryan became more crass, less docile, and very confrontational. He'd complain for hours about my inability to be delicate with the hay...and he'd accuse me of using his horseshoes as sandals when I went for the morning paper. I only did that once and it was because he was using me to get him his "Sunday Comedy Section" ... which was really the obituataries. He's become difficult to enjoy...but we're still friends I guess. "

-Spiro Atieh

"Where are you?"

-Ryan's Parents

Ryan Ritchie will die quietly on March 14, 2187 at the tender age of 207 years old. He will be rememberd by his 412 living offspring (including grandchildren, great-grandchildren, great-great-grandchildren, and grand-grandchildren) and his wife, Katie. A vigil will be held in what was called Madison Square Garden, famously changed to Ritchie's Pit in 2033 when he bought New York.

Happy Birthday, Ryan.